Legend of Drag On: Parody to Legend of Dragoon
by Krimzon Guard Chelsea
Summary: A hopefully gonna-be funny parody of the Legend of Dragoon, inspired by the Harvard Lampoon. Not ment to offend the game, since I love this game. Gonna get better soon. x.x
1. Prologue

I got an idea after reading some "Bored of the Rings" by the awesome Havard Lampoon. I give you. Legend of Drag On. It will get better as I droll on; trust me please. *Cries*  
  
NOTE: Town/people names are misspelled/changed/whatever on purpose. This is a parody.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
- PROLOGUE -  
  
* * *  
  
No one in the small town of Sales noticed the dark, ebony sky lighting up with red fireballs. When they did notice, it was too late for the villagers were destroyed immediately.  
  
The Spamdora warriors rode through the debris of the raided villages, destroying everything in their path. They were searching for something...or someone...although a couple of soldiers wondered how this attack would work out with them ransacking and messing up everything in their path. They continued following a Spamdora leader.  
  
Finally the Spamdora commander stopped, and the rest of the soldiers stopped with him. He got off his horse and walked over to a residing elite.  
  
"Is this the girl?" he asked, dark eyes searching her through his helmet. The residing elite just stuck an object into the commander's hand. It was a huge marble.  
  
The commander walked up to a girl who was lying down on the ground, obviously unconscious. He didn't notice the clouds dispersing to reveal a huge, bluish full moon. He took the marble and threw--rather hard--it against the girl's head. He picked it up to reveal a giant mark on her head, which was being eerily illuminated by the moon.  
  
"Indeed," he remarked, and walked away, but not before putting the marble back into the elite's hand.  
  
"I wonder if this is really necessary," the Spamdora commander thought out loud.  
  
"It is," said a man in a black hoodie, who just appeared out of nowhere. "His majesty, Emperor Dole, requested it so."  
  
"What do we need her for?" the Spamdora commander asked.  
  
The man in the black hoodie turned around bitterly. "That is none of your concern." He didn't see the rude gesture made by the Spamdora commander in his general direction.  
  
The Spamdora warriors all climbed back onto their horses and rode off, taking the girl with them. 


	2. Another Prologue?

- ANOTHER PROLOGUE -  
  
* * *  
  
Thunder crashed threateningly, but the armor-clad female warrior did not care. She was sitting on some cliff tops overlooking a dense forest. There was a sound of birds taking flight to the air, and then a huge green head shot up, not unlike that of a praying mantis'.  
  
"The Jade-Musked Dragon, Ferdinand," the female whispered to herself. She hopped off the cliff tops into the leafy green foliage below.  
  
---  
  
Fart looked up from his crumpled mess of a newspaper.  
  
"Chance of war more likely," he sighed, and then he threw the newspaper on the ground irritably. "This isn't a meteorology forecast, you know!" he exclaimed and started mumbling about stupid reporters.  
  
The sound of horses' footsteps entered his ear. He ran towards the sound and almost got smashed by two Spamdora soldiers who were horribly lagging and their butt-ugly horses.  
  
"Hey, watch where you're going!" Spamdora soldier #1 cried.  
  
Spamdora soldier #2 twirled a spear in his hand threateningly. "Are you a mercenary of Frazzle?"  
  
Fart backed up, scratching his spiky, unruly blond hair.  
  
"Speak up!" the Spamdora soldier #1 cried, annoyed at always being described as, the Spamdora soldier #1.  
  
Fart suddenly took out his Fraud Sword. The horses reared upwards, sending the two Spamdora soldiers spiraling to the ground. Fart struggled to contain his laughter when a huge head struck downwards. Fart jumped backwards.  
  
"What the heck is that?!" he screamed but the two Spamdora soldiers were already gone. The Jade-Musked Dragon, Ferdinand struck out at Fart, and the red-wearing warrior jumped to the side, dodging Matrix-style.  
  
"I got to do something or I will be killed and I'll never be able to say obvious things again!" he cried and then started running away, screaming like a girl.  
  
He ran, dodged, did round-offs, cartwheels, the camel, flying leaps, the splits, some triple-axle spins and looked like a deranged, figure-skating, mutant cheerleader, but that didn't get Ferdinand off his tail. The giant praying mantis closed in on him when the purple-clad warrior jumped out of nowhere, grabbed Fart and hid behind a rock.  
  
"SHH!!" the female warrior yelled quite loudly. "DON'T SPEAK LOUD OR ELSE HE WILL KNOW THAT WE ARE BEHIND THIS ROCK!"  
  
Fart nodded as Ferdinand started banging his head stupidly on a cliff face, trying to find the two...or what seemed to be trying to find them. After receiving many concussions, migraines and headaches, Ferdinand walked off, obviously in much pain.  
  
"Thanks for saving me," Fart said.  
  
"You should have been more careful," the female rebuked, although Fart thought she shouldn't have been talking. "Those soldiers did come straight from Sales, you know."  
  
Fart stood up quickly.  
  
"They did?!"  
  
The femme nodded. "Didn't you smell the stench of burning wood and bodies?"  
  
Fart had enough. He got up and ran down the dirt road towards Sales. He didn't see the warrior take out a glowing stone and mutter... "Oh my God! It can't be!"  
  
---  
  
Fart ran over a huge hill, not even a bit out of breath. The sight of a burning village haunted his brain.  
  
"Oh my God...! Sales!"  
  
He ran down the hill quickly, not even looking back.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I'll update later! *Runs off to her bowl of Spaghettio's* The next chapter will be much longer so you don't have to mention the shortness of these ones. . 


	3. To HELena and Back Again

=+ PART ONE - THE BOREDIAN WAR += _______________________________________  
  
- Chapter One: To HELena and Back Again -  
  
* * *  
  
Fart hopped over the broken fence, with the words, "Spamdora were here" inscribed deep into its wood.  
  
"The Spamdora must've been here!" Fart said redundantly, taking out his Fraud sword. Walking down a little bit, he found a chest lying on the ground. He opened it up, revealed an item called a "Burn Out" and then walked over to the left where two Spamdora were torturing some dying dude.  
  
"Haven't you had enough killing yet?" the first Spamdora said.  
  
The tortured dying dude looked up at them through blazing oculars. "Obviously not if I'm still alive." The second Spamdora walked up to him to silence him with a knife to the throat when Fart came.  
  
"Hey! Leave him alone!" the red-wearing warrior cried.  
  
"Aren't you a little late for saving Sales, Frazzle mercenary?" the first Spamdora growled. The second one took the pleasure in impaling the tortured dying dude in the chest.  
  
"Shut up!" exclaimed Fart, rather late in response.  
  
The two Spamdora soldiers stepped towards him. "Okay, we'll shut you up!" they said simultaneously and jumped into battle. However, Fart silenced both of them with two sword attacks.  
  
"Hup! Harr! Doub-b-b-b-ble Slaaaash!" he screamed angrily, sounding like a pirate who drunk too much coffee. The Spamdora exploded in a flash of blood red lights. Fart turned to the tortured dying dude.  
  
"Fart, is that you?" he asked feebly, eyes misting.  
  
"No," Fart said bitterly, "it's John Hancock!"  
  
"Well, hello Mister Hancock," the tortured dying dude said happily. "But, can you please save Miss Banana for me?"  
  
"No!" Fart cried, thinking about his childhood friend that was a girl. "They took Banana?!"  
  
"I just said that, stupid!" the tortured dying dude snapped and then he died. Fart didn't care and he walked through the burning rubble of Sales until he saw a man lying face-down on the ground.  
  
"No! Plus!" he cried and walked up to help the man. Plus looked up at Fart through grateful eyes.  
  
"You're such a saint, young Fart," he said as two Spamdora warriors and the Spamdora commander walked up out of nowhere.  
  
"Hold on, Plus," Fart said, brandishing his sword again. "I'm gonna get some information out of these guys!" He took some steps towards them. "What did you guys do with Banana?!"  
  
"That's none of your concern," quoted the Spamdora commander, off the man in the black hoodie.  
  
"Although we can tell you that she's having a nice time in Elena Prison," said the first Spamdora.  
  
"We can take you some place, too," said the second Spamdora.  
  
"Although not to ELena," the Spamdora commander said, taking out his sword. He dashed forwards with his Spamdora goons. "To hEL!"  
  
"Hel," Fart repeated confusedly, going into battle. He killed the Spamdora commander in a matter of five hits, and then the other two Spamdora went screaming into the sunset.  
  
"AHHHH! AHHHH!" the first one shouted.  
  
"MOMMY! AHHHH!" the second one chorused. Fart shook his head at the stupidity and then turned to Plus.  
  
"Don't worry, the annoying kids of the village will save you."  
  
"Thanks for nothing," Plus muttered, watching Fart grab a shining stone off a cemetery gravestone and walk out of the village.  
  
- - -  
  
Fart walked down the paths of Boredio to the entrance of a "tiny" forest, although the young man didn't know that the forest was a maze of horrors.  
  
He walked down the dirt road, watching as little cabbit-looking-like things from Tenchi Muyo! hopped around the screen. A man appeared out of the bushes, and Fart realized that he was a merchant.  
  
"Darn, I lost that squirrel again," he cursed, and then he turned to the red-clad warrior. "Wanna buy some really dumb items?"  
  
"Sure," said Fart, and he ended up buying Injurious Potions, Burn Outs, I'll Do More Than Charm You Potions and some Body Impurities. He walked away from the merchant, and then continued down the path. He crossed a broken tree that was stretched over a chasm, and then came to the Really Annoying Mini-Maze of Death that's Really Easy to Figure Out.  
  
There were four paths. Fart ran towards the west to end up at the east. He ran to the south to end up towards the southwest. He ran towards the east to end up at the north.  
  
"HELP!" he screamed at the canopy of trees. "HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?" The wind blew through the air and the leaves rustled in front of the only path Fart hadn't gone through. He turned to the sky. "Thank you!" and ran off.  
  
- - -  
  
Elena Prison was on the shore; a massive circular tower of rock spiraling upwards towards the sky in the middle of the ocean--the only way getting there was through a skinny land bridge.  
  
"I wonder how I will get in," Fart thought to himself. "It looks heavily guarded."  
  
The sounds of hoof-steps and a cart scraping on the ground was heard and then an angry voice, "Hey ninny! Get out of the way!"  
  
Fart hopped out of the way to see a merchant riding on a three-horned bull thing.  
  
"Hey, aren't you the merchant from that forest thing? Y'all look the same."  
  
"No, that was my brother-in-law!" the merchant snapped and then rode downwards towards Elena. Fart followed him until they got to the drawbridge that led into the prison. A warden was patrolling the area and Fart quickly ran behind a watchtower to avoid being caught.  
  
"Let me inspect this meat," the warden was saying. "Bugle doesn't like rotting meat."  
  
Fart jumped across and into the cart just as the warden passed by.  
  
"OK, you can enter!" He blew a whistle and the drawbridge was lowered instantly. Fart and the carriage entered Elena. Fart jumped out as soon as the coast was clear, but the merchant, however was still there. He started calling for help immediately, although Fart didn't know why...he just had a talk with the old sap a few minutes ago. One Elena warden came, but Fart quickly silenced him. He turned to the merchant.  
  
"What did you do that for?"  
  
"Heeeey, I'm a jerk."  
  
Fart scratched his head, shook it, and then carried on. He walked up the stairs to the next level, where an Elena warden was waiting. He darted past him, and ran towards the left. He climbed up a ladder before another soldier spotted him, and then rode an elevator up to the prison cells, although Fart didn't realize how the elevators worked with no stinkin' pulley or anything. He ran through a door and then a conversation was heard:  
  
"You stupid soldiers are gonna regret not being killed on the battlefield, or whatever."  
  
"You dirty scum!"  
  
Slicing, chopping, cleaving noises were heard.  
  
"Run! Go tell Fat Albert! I'll hold these guys off!"  
  
Footsteps were heard.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"Double AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"I took care of those guys! Hee hee! I sound so stupid, guys!"  
  
Impaling noises were heard.  
  
Fart jumped out into the battle where some spiky-haired dude was spinning a spear threateningly and running towards him. The young warrior turned and headed back for the door, but the spiky-haired dude was upon him, and the two were testing each other's strengths immediately.  
  
"Help! I'm not your enemy!" Fart cried.  
  
"Tell that to the judge," said the spiky-haired dude. Fart threw him off as four Elena Prison people just popped out of nowhere like daisies. The spiky- haired dude and Fart took no time in slaying them.  
  
"You fight pretty good, my lad," said the spiky-haired dude.  
  
"You too," said Fart.  
  
"I am Pelvis Damnsquirt! I am the head of the 0th Knighthood of the Kingdom of Frazzle (because it got destroyed--shhhhh!)! I will slay those who disobey Fat Albert! Including these Elena wardens working for Spamdora scum."  
  
"I'm Fart," said Fart.  
  
"Well, Fart, I'm gonna join forces with you because I am too weak to get out of here alive and besides, we need to save that girl Banana you're looking for or something along those lines."  
  
"Okay!" and the two climbed up the stairs to another level. They turned left towards a door that led to the prisoners' cells, but it was locked. They went to the right and saw a key sitting on a pile Spamdora's weekly addition of the "Playboy" magazine. They ran back across and opened the door to the prison cells, and then ran over to Shana's cell, which they found in a matter of seconds.  
  
"Don't take a long time," muttered Pelvis as Fart went inside.  
  
Fart went inside. It was rather a nice room with a nice bed and a candle illuminating the way. In the middle stood a girl who was rather dense.  
  
"Fart..." she said slowly and then she looked towards the ceiling. "Sorry, I forgot my lines."  
  
"It's okay," said the warrior, although he wondered why he was in love with such a ditz.  
  
"Help. I'm dying out here." came Pelvis' voice, and Fart ran out to help him, brandishing his Fraud sword. Pelvis wasn't really dying, but now he was about to as a bunch of Elena denizens came out of nowhere...again. They killed them all off, and then Banana walked out.  
  
"Oh..." she said, thinking. She paused, looked at a quiver and a bow, paused again and then looked at the quiver and bow. "I want to join you guys in battle."  
  
Fart stepped up. "Banana, you're too stupid to join! You're not the Banana I remember."  
  
Pelvis put a hand on Fart's shoulder. "She's grown up. Sorry, my lad." Fart sniffed sadly, obviously heartbroken. "Let's have a talk about love and get a couple of shakes."  
  
- - -  
  
Bugle paced around the bridge's posts, sounding loud like his name.  
  
"REPEAT WHAT YOU SAID!"  
  
"The Pelvis guy and the warrior in red took the girl and they are escaping?"  
  
Bugle said his trademark line: "BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Elena warden shrugged and then turned to get some elites when the man in the black hoodie came out of nowhere. The warden started wondering why the dialogue always read, "came out of nowhere".  
  
"How would you like it if I told Emperor Dole about Banana's escape?" the hoodied man said.  
  
"I'll get her back!" Bugle cried, jumping up and down.  
  
"You better," said the man in the black hoodie. He took out a fencing sword, complete with the little round ball at the tip. "Or it will be your head instead of hers."  
  
Bugle stomped across the bridge, pushing the innocent Elena warden off the side.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
Bugle was in a horrible mood. Everyone knew it by his repeating of the trademarked exclamation.  
  
"I like the color red," he said suddenly. "It's the color of that red- wearing warrior's smeared blood!!" And then he laughed.  
  
- - -  
  
Pelvis, Fart and Banana were in the process of going down the elevators back to the first floor when they heard an echo of a distinguishing word:  
  
"BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!! You freakin' BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!! Get the girl, you BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!! BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!, BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!, BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Pelvis decided to explain the situation once they all got on the first floor. "That must be Bugle, the most annoying person in the world. He's so annoying, even the people in his own country hate him!"  
  
Fart covered his ears to the reluctant B-word. "And I know why, too. This guy's an absolute lunatic."  
  
"Who's a lunatic?" said a menacing voice and then Bugle appeared.  
  
"Oh, God," muttered Banana.  
  
Two wardens appeared by Bugle's sides immediately.  
  
"Prepare to die," they taunted and then the three friends jumped into battle. The wardens were killed instantly.  
  
Bugle cursed, and then two SENIOR wardens came out of nowhere.  
  
Pelvis took care of one of them, and the senior warden looked rather sad as he took out an item.  
  
"Might as well take you to Hel with me!" he cried, tears flowing out of his cheeks. "Why did you have to kill me? I didn't even want to be in this stupid story anyway!" Bugle turned towards him.  
  
"What the Hel are you doing!?" he screamed as the senior warden threw a Gushing Magma attack ball thing into the air. The Gushing Magma attack ball thing exploded, sending plumes of gushing magma into the air. The senior warden and the other warden were killed immediately, leaving Bugle to defend for himself, although he was rather scorched.  
  
"Wimpy BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled.  
  
"Hel," Fart repeated stupidly.  
  
"Shut up," Bugle said and threw a boulder at Banana's head. Banana's thick skull (all brawn and no brain) allowed her to get back up and shoot Bugle in the chest with an arrow. The cursing leader stepped backwards.  
  
"Darn, I got beat by a stupid, BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!ly girl!"  
  
Pelvis, Banana and Fart got tons of expirience and grew up a couple of levels, and got a free Knight Shield and Injurious Potions. They then turned to Bugle, who was repeating the trademark exclamation a million times in a row.  
  
"Quick!" Pelvis exclaimed suddenly. "Get on these horses!"  
  
- - -  
  
The drawbridge was being raised as Fart and Banana on one horse shot out of Elena Prison. The drawbridge was almost risen when Pelvis shot out of Elena like Superman. He fell right on his stomach, got on Fart's horse, and then the three rode out of the HELish place.  
  
Next stop: THE PRAIRIE. 


End file.
